Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
