I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
