If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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