I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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