Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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