I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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