Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
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I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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