Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
