and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
