shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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