so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
