If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
