tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
