my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
