pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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