well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
