His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
whose ass print is on the piano?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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