Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
