The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
