drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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