Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
