i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
