Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Is it penis luge time yet?
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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