How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
