then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
