Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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