oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
