I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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