next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
he high fived his dick after we had sex
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
