I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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