woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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