Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
