That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
