I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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