Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
