So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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