Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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