They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
