im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
