I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
