I just pynch a tree in the face
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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