Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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