for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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