i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
