How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
