I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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