So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
