It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My vagina just clenched in fear
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