Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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