DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
