I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
