I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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