Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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