I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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