the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
