I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
