Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
