She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize