Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
