Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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