You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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