First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
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Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
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what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.