I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle