# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips